As with most days so far this year, god did not give me enough hours in the day, so today column is going to filled with a bunch of humour that I have scraped off different sites over the years. Be prepared for some belly laughs and keep in mind - these are not of my making, so please be gentle.

Texas Assembly Bill 7036: The Sit The Hell Down And Ride Act Of 2013. To staunch the epidemic of stand-up freeway wheelies that have become a pox upon the land, all street-legal motorcycles sold after January 1, 2013, in the great state of Texas must have a seat-mounted mil-spec ass detector. Spark shall be interrupted unless the detector determines at least one cheek is planted firmly on the seat. Financial impact: $318 per vehicle. Personal impact: Invasive at first. Later, mildly intriguing.

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Colorado General Assembly Bill 2386: The Grow A Spine And Pick It Up Act Of 2013. To stem the societal decline as bikes (and riders) grow fatter and heavier, each motorcycle over 400 pounds shall be equipped with a breakaway sidestand that will spontaneously and unpredictably fail. Those machines that are not lifted upright within three (3) minutes of spontaneous sidestand failure will be rendered unlicensable, except within the city limits of Leadville.

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Daytona Beach Beautification Advisory Board Gentle Suggestion 1340: The Harley-Davidson Big Twin Drapery Act of 2013. Henceforth all Harley-Davidson Big Twins shall be draped in heavy cloth and hidden from view each Thursday during Bike Week. We’ve frankly seen them quite enough; we totally get that they have a 45-degree V-angle, they go potato-potato and there’s chrome and such. But we’re all getting pretty tired around here and we’d appreciate a little rest, even if it's only for a day.

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• While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .

• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."

• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

• Dog: "Doing' alright."

• Farmer: Look of shock.

• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.

• Dog: "Yep."

• Biker: "How does he treat you?"

• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."

• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.

• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."

• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

• Horse: "Cool."

• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.

• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.

• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."

• Biker: "How's he treating you?"

• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.

• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

• Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."

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A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with motorcycle engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic. The good doctor went along to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."

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A missionary went to an island to teach the natives English. His first student was the tribal chief. The missionary pointed skyward and said "sky".

The Chief said "sky".

The missionary pointed to his foot and said "shoe".

The Chief said "shoe".

This is great, thought the missionary as the two began walking together. He's really catching on! After a few minutes of more such lessons, they went around a bush and saw a man and woman hot and heavy in the throes of passion. The very proper missionary, totally startled and highly embarrassed, nervously said, "Man riding bike".

Instead of responding as he had been, though, the Chief ran up and put his spear through the heart of the man on top of the woman, killing him.

The horrified missionary asked, "What in God's name did you do THAT for?"

The Chief calmly replied, "MY bike!"

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OK, I'm done. See ya tomorrow.